Peri/MENOPAUSE UNCENSORED: Rewiring Pleasure for Your Second Act

A 6-Week Workshop Where No Questions Are Off-Limits

Listen, I know you're up at 2am googling "why can't I sleep anymore? perimenopause?" while demolishing the kids' Halloween candy you swore you wouldn't touch. I know you've gained weight eating less than ever. I know Sunday morning sex turned into Sunday morning "please don't touch me I just want coffee."

Your body changed has every single rule you used to know and nobody has bothered explaining the new game.

So we need to talk about it and help you figure it out. Because I want you to know that perimenopause (and menopause for that matter) didn't kill your pleasure. But it has completely rewired how pleasure works in your body. Sexual pleasure, food pleasure, movement pleasure, even the pleasure of a good night's sleep (remember those?).

The problem is that nobody's teaching you how to work with your new operating system.

That's what this 6-week workshop is about. 

I'm going to talk about EVERYTHING. The stuff most medical professionals won't. The stuff your friends whisper about. The stuff you're too embarrassed to Google (though let's be honest, you've googled it all at 3am anyway).

Week 1 Remember when you could eat pizza without planning a funeral for your jeans? Now toast bloats you, wine gives you hot flashes before you finish the glass, and your body hoards calories like it's preparing for nuclear winter. Meanwhile, at midnight, you'd sell your soul for chocolate. We decode this metabolic mutiny - why your insulin went rogue, why cortisol moved in permanently, and why your body literally forgot how to process food you've eaten for forty years. Plus the truth about those 3am sugar raids that have you standing at the pantry like a carb-seeking zombie.

Week 2: Your vagina used to be self-maintaining. Now it needs more products than your face. We're talking about the Sahara Desert situation, the "did I just pee or is that discharge?" mystery, the never ending UTIs that arrive like clockwork, and why sex feels like someone replaced your nerve endings with those of a stranger. That weird pressure? The unexpected sounds during yoga? The moment you realized you can't jump on a trampoline safely anymore? We're covering all of it. Plus why your pelvic floor may need some extra help and what actually does the trick beyond doing Kegels while stuck in traffic.

Week 3: You're so tired you could cry, but come bedtime your brain decides to perform every Broadway musical you've ever seen. You're anxious about nothing and everything. You rage at inanimate objects (that cupboard door had it coming). One minute you're fine, next minute you're sobbing at a commercial about paper towels. Your nervous system needs a reset. We unpack why your stress response went haywire, why wine stopped helping and started hurting, and how to calm your system when meditation apps make you want to throw your phone at a wall.

Week 4: That new belly that appeared overnight despite eating lettuce and hope? Those pounds that migrated from your hips to your middle like they're seeking warmer climate? The way your body now stores fat in places you didn't know could store fat? We explore wtf your metabolism is doing now, how inflammation became your body's default setting, and why that C-section scar from 2001 suddenly matters. Plus the connection between your frozen shoulder, your hip pain, and why you can't lose weight doing exactly what worked for twenty years.

Week 5: We'll also talk about why your libido packed its bags without leaving a forwarding address. Why arousal became a group project requiring scheduling, three types of lube, and a prayer circle. Or how you've realized your fantasies shifted from focusing on sexy strangers to obsessively craving eight hours of uninterrupted sleep instead. We tackle the complete sexual reboot, including why your old moves don't work, why pressure beats friction now, why Wednesday afternoon might be your new prime time, and how to explain to your partner that it's not them, it's your vagina's new personality.

Week 6: This will be the week we connect the dots between your midnight chocolate raids and your missing orgasms. Between your thyroid and your thread-thin patience. Between your bloating and your brain fog. You'll finally understand whether you're the "furnace at midnight" type, the "suddenly lactose intolerant" variety, or the "crying in the car for no reason" model. We map YOUR specific chaos constellation so you know exactly what your body's trying to tell you when it stages its daily rebellion.

And for partners brave enough to show up? Week 7 is where they learn the difference between "I'm fine" (she's not fine) and "I'M FINE" (run). Where they discover why their helpful suggestions make us homicidal, why we need space AND support simultaneously, and how to navigate intimacy when we're as predictable as British weather.

I am confident this workshop series will make you laugh (probably at inappropriate moments), but more importantly that you'll finally understand why your body acts possessed. You'll get practical tools that work. And you'll realize you're not crazy, defective, or alone.

Fair warning: I use proper anatomical terms. I make inappropriate jokes. I talk about sex like adults should talk about sex. If you want someone delicate, I'm not your girl.